Kwerk

To Whom it May Concern:

As with the beginnings of anything new with someone, there are things you should probably be made aware of.

I love Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., & Bruce Willis (pretty much in that order).

Okay, it’s not so important that you know that, but while I’m here letting you know things about myself you might as well be aware of my man-crushes.

I’m impulsive & I’m not used to “taking things slow.”  I’ve always felt that if you know something from your heart you should go with it.  I don’t mean that I like to blindly dive into things without thinking about them, but the heart wants what it wants.  You know what though?  My heart might be impulsive & steadfast once it’s picked the direction it’s going, but I’ll be timid & a little shy, waiting for you to make a move.  I’ll want to grab you & kiss you or proclaim my love, or some other crazy thing, but I won’t.  I’ll keep quiet until you say or do something, all the while with my heart trying to beat out of my chest & a nervous girl hoping you’ll hold her hand or kiss her jumping around in my brain.

I’m sort of crazy.  Yeah, I know, all girls are crazy but I’ve got a diagnoses.  My anxiety gets out of control sometimes, & lesser men have have turned around & left because of it.  We might be in a crowded place, surrounded by friends even, when I get fidgety & really quiet because I’m trying to keep myself from having a panic attack – I might not even be able to do that & we might have to make an excuse so that I can leave.  I’ll be expecting you to man up & not start a fight over it because I should have abandoned previous guys for such nonsense; just hold my hand & show a little understanding.  That’s really all it takes.

I really, really hate doing dishes.  A better way to put that would probably be to say, I loathe doing dishes.  If you want them done & they’re starting to pile up a little, you should probably just do them yourself.  I promise the bathroom will stay clean, the laundry will get done (maybe not folded or hung up before it’s wrinkled, but you’ll always have clean clothes), & you & any pets or children will be fed & cared for as long as you don’t make me do the dishes.

Not that you’ll be all that capable of making me do anything.

If you ask nicely, I’ll probably do pretty much anything you want, though.

It would also help if you asked while offering me Twizzlers.

Speaking of giving me Twizzlers, I love presents.  So yeah, anything from my favorite candy to something pricey I’ve been eyeing but wouldn’t buy myself or something thoughtfully made with me in mind.  I love handmade things because I expect a good presentation, & you usually get that when someone is putting enough thought into a gift to make it for you.  This is why I love mixtapes so much, you’re combining my adoration of music with my love of just-for-me presents.  You can expect grand presentation & lots of thought put into whatever I give you, as well.  It’s hard for me not to shower the people I care about with fun things as much as possible.

Hopefully this peek into my nuttiness doesn’t deter you, hopefully it helps you find me even more adorable.  Because while I fully admit to being awkward & a little crazy, I’ll also be the first to tell you that I’m quite the catch.

No really, I’m fantastic & extremely attractive.

So hey, lucky you!

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Note: Now, while certain happenings in my life had me thinking on quite a few of these things, I must give credit where it’s due & let all of you know that this post was in many ways inspired by this post written by the lovely Jamie, who is also amazing like yours truly.

I’m having one of those Mondays, you know the ones.  A Monday where it’s just kind of gloomy, it’s hard to focus, & you really just want to go back to bed.  I, personally, would like to be cuddling & watching an old classic movie marathon.  Plus, it’s raining here so that makes the desire for all-day cuddly, movie watching, naps even stronger…

So I figured I’d try to show Monday a little love, since it really never gets any (probably because, let’s face it, Monday can be kind of a jerk), by focusing on some things that make me happy & therefore put a smile on my face.

Cuddly rainy day naps – Saw that one coming a mile away, didn’t you?  Is there much of anything out there that’s better than curling up under a big comforter with an attractive, good-smelling someone while the rain does the pitter-patter thing on your window?  I submit that there is not.  Puppies are also good for these kinds of naps, when they’re in the mood to snuggle…they don’t usually smell as good though.

Watching Lola play – Now, I might be biased, but I’m pretty sure my dog is the most adorable canine in the world.  It’s great watching her run around & play, she gets excited over the smallest things.  Watching her chase dragonflies reminds me to enjoy little things.  Plus, my little pup has so much personality that she’s always making me laugh, no matter how I might be feeling.

Disney World! – Living right next door doesn’t necessarily mean that I go there on a regular basis, but on occasion it is really lovely to head over & have the magical kind of fun that is Disney.  A good way to put a smile on your face on a dull Monday, think about the great time you had at EPCOT the day before.  This good-looking nerd & I spent the day, at first melting in the sun & walking around the World Showcase, & then splashing through puddles in a downpour to go ride Star Tours for the last time before they close it down to make the new ride.  We had a fantastic time, still smiling about it, I love Disney.

My new iPhone 3GS – My phone, Ziggy, was refusing to behave so I took it in to the store to have it swapped.  The new one, that I have christened “Babycakes,” is just working so well I could marry it.

The cool kids – Also known as my friends.  It’s been a little tough for me to get out of the house as much as I need to lately, what with withdrawal symptoms & my extremely tight budget.  My amazing friends have gotten me out of the house by taking me to movies or paying for drinks or food.  You know, I’m basically the resident charity case…but it’s good to know that people want to spend time with me enough to go out of their way to do so.  The fact that they make me laugh is a bonus.

Pizza – Man, I love pizza…

There was more to this post but somehow it got lost.  I want to publish it before it’s Tuesday & it no longer makes any sense, so I suppose I’ll just do another installment next Monday.

One of those things that goes along with quitting/losing your job is the access to easy/affordable/whatever health insurance.  The company I worked for I had awesome benefits as far as that was concerned, which was excellent not only when I went through infection after infection & hospital visit after hospital visit but also when I started taking medication to treat my anxiety & depression.

It was simple enough, my doctor prescribed something that worked for me & I went & paid a somewhat inexpensive co-pay for my monthly refill of sanity.  But now I don’t have insurance because I quit my job & the cost of that medication is beyond my ability to pay for it (not to mention, what happens when I’m supposed to go back to the doctor to re-up said prescription & I can’t because to go see a doctor when you don’t have insurance to pay for that visit is impossible).

So what to do?

Really, the decision boiled down to whether I wanted to try & stay on the medication or not.  Staying on the medication could get complicated because my options would basically be trying to order it from a Canadian pharmacy or committing insurance fraud of some kind (I think, because I honestly don’t even know what that kind of crime would entail, exactly).

I tried weighing the pros & cons of the situation, but I came up even.  As much as the medication helps me, there’s a lot of unwelcome side effects & other factors.  Those little pills make it much easier to remain calm, avoid panic attacks, & what have you, but in some ways to do that they make me a little numb sometimes.  And while some side effects, like a little nausea here & there, are things I can live with or get used to, some are not so acceptable.  Number one culprit being a diminished libido (I have to go through it, you gotta hear about it).  Personally, I like being a strong, sensual lady (thanks for that, mom, because there’s definitely no question of where that came from) & on the meds I tend to operate on probably a 25% capacity in the sexual arena which is frustrating to say the least.

After a nice, shorter than expected, talk with my mom I realized that it comes down to not really know what the long term effects of staying on the medication would be.  Being dependent on a pill forever might not be the best way to go for me, in addition to being someone that always prefers to go the natural route if possible.

Plus that libido thing was really starting to bug me.

So I’ve decided to come off the medication, & even though I eased off of it as much as possible, I looked into it & this particular antidepressant is one of the most difficult to withdraw from.  As I’m currently putting myself through it, I can say with authority that that’s a big understatement.  It’s more than uncomfortable, physically & emotionally draining.  The whole process has included exhaustion, random tears, an inability to focus, & what one article I read called “brain zaps” which are exactly what that sounds like, a feeling like you’re getting randomly zapped with electricity in your head.

It’s been a bit of a setback for a lot of my projects & things, just writing this post has been extremely taxing, & that has added to my frustration because it feels like I’m wasting a lot of time.  I just keep trying to remind myself why I’m doing it & that I will feel good about my decision once I’m done shaking & twitching.

Not that the work is over once the detox is done.  I’ll be needing to step up my game in the things I do to control my anxiety & low moods.  Before easing off the meds I did my research & have a plan for the natural steps I can take for keeping it under control & I know it will be worth it.

I would try to wrap this up more succinctly but I’m losing what little grasp I had on my focus, so feel free to add the moral of the story yourself.  I’ve been trying to get this update up for a little under a week now, so I’m not going to put it off by saving the draft & coming back to it again because then it will never get posted…

Before I get down to the bare bones of this post, let me say I just signed up to participate in this:

…& I’m pretty excited about it.  Like old fashioned correspondence?  How about sending & receiving packages of fantasticness?  Good, you should sign up too, it will be fun.

On to the real stuff…

I was sitting down having a nice talk with my mom the other day, which is something I enjoy when we get the chance to do so.  As she was grilling me about my latest romantic interest (Is there a less-lame way to say that? And yes, we can all talk about him later.) with the usual “What exactly does he do?” & “Wait, how much older is he?” questions, I may have mentioned how unusually angsty I get about seeing him sometimes.  Angst which stems from various things & bothers me because ever since I grew up I’ve not been the type to get insecure around a guy I like or concern myself with what I might say or do & what they might think about it.

Anyway, my mom listened to me say that I felt irritated with myself for behaving like a 13 year old girl inside my head & responded with, “Oh, trust me, that’s normal, I bought new clothes for the first three dates I had with your father because I was convinced I had nothing good to wear, I was so nervous.”

Seriously, she bought all new outfits because she had to be sure she was going to look perfect for a man that had made such a good impression on her, she wanted to do the same.

I’ve found myself doing the same thing in this current situation.  Not buying new clothes, as much as that would be a great solution I just don’t have the budget for it & I think my mom would stab me seeing as I have a closet so stuffed that I can go without doing laundry for a least a month, but agonizing over what I’m going to wear.  Agonizing is a strong word here, but because I’m someone that doesn’t usually put a ton of thought into what I’m going to wear, thinking about it as I have been before I see this person is definitely in the “agonize” category.  Because I love clothes, I love fashion, I love looking good; but I also love feeling good so I usually wear what I feel like that particular day, I dress on instinct.

But I’ve been having a hearty debate with my closet before every date with this guy.

Not that I’m not my charming self when we meet up, I wouldn’t want to hang out with him if he didn’t like me for me & how awesome I am.  I just really, really want him to like me…so somehow a lot of that nervous “please like me” energy gets channeled into my wardrobe, hair, & make-up.  I’m glad it does, otherwise what disastrous place would all that nervous energy go?  I’m not positive I even want to know.

Can I just say that girls are crazy?  We all just have different degrees of how much we’re able to keep a lid on it.

I may just start keeping track of all the crazy &/or wise things my mother says to me, I may need them later.

…I love “Wizards of Waverly Place.”  I think Selena Gomez is just adorable & the show is actually really funny.  Whenever it’s on I risk the ridicule of my parents, shove them off the couch & turn it up so I can hear over their grumbling.

…I’m a closet romantic.  While I’m pretty darn practical & I don’t believe in soulmates, I do believe in romance.  I want all those sweet songs on the radio to be someone’s words to me, I’ve read most Jane Austen novels at least twice, & I own “The Notebook” on DVD.  Is there such a thing as practical romance?  I want that.

…My dad still handles a ton of stuff for me.  Mostly things having to do with my car, like oil changes & tire rotations & such.  It’s not like I couldn’t do it myself, I just never really have & it’s something I tend not to think about…so…I kinda just let him do it since he thinks about it.

…I’m really, really sick of seeing & hearing about the Beatles.  I love them, I grew up with plenty of their music in my life, but let’s just throw in some variety, people.  That’s all I ask for, variety; more influential bands littering Tumblr & t-shirts, etc., as much as the Beatles do now.

…I sort of hate when people I don’t know ask me about my tattoos.  I mean, I don’t mind “May I see your tattoo?” when my sleeve is partly covering them up, but to ask what they mean or why I got them is a very personal question.  If I don’t know you, I’m not incredibly interested in sharing those meanings with you.  I guess, ultimately, I get them for me & I don’t really want to “share” them with strangers.

…I hate pants.  No explanation needed.

…I didn’t vote for the president, like, didn’t vote for anyone.  I did it on purpose.  I didn’t like anyone.  You know what?  I don’t even care what people think about it, I just don’t usually mention it because for some reason when I say it out loud what people actually hear is “Please lecture me on why I’m so incredibly wrong for a) not voting & b) not liking Obama.”  I made a conscientious choice, anyone that has a problem with my choice can suck it.

…This post is difficult because there’s not actually much that I won’t freely tell anyone.  I’m not all that secretive, if you ask I’ll tell.

How about you?

Approximately a month ago I realized that if I didn’t put in two weeks notice at my job I might explode & quit in a blaze of burnt bridges.  It was either leave on my own, good terms or leave in an out of control way that would leave me without any references & with lots of bad feelings.

I had spent about a week at my grandparents’ house in Delaware, where there’s not much to do other than read, make trips to the mall to walk around, & think.  So I did a lot of those things & as soon as I got back it took about ten minutes for me to make up my mind to quit my job & do so.  I then spent my last two weeks wracking up as much overtime as possible in order to have a nice cushy last check.

And then maybe I freaked out a little.

Just a little freak out though, not as big as I really thought I might have.  My last day on the job came & went & I felt relieved, free & happy.

So now I’m unemployed, & other than the feeling of doom associated with “Oh crap, how will I pay for my prescription & what if I get sick or get cancer or there’s a horrible accident & how will I ever afford the medical bills if something like that happens? Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap…” I’ve been so very happy.

If I could get my parents to stop suggesting more places to go put in applications work retail I might not shoot myself.

I’m sure, you, just like my parents, want to know what I’m doing with my life so I’ll get the eff out of your house (or, their house, whatever).

I’m throwing myself into my art, crafts, & writing.  Sure, being surrounded by people & not really having a specific work space has caused me to lose a little momentum (not to mention the AC in the house breaking & 85 degree indoor temperatures causing me to melt into the carpet), but I’m overcoming that.  I am!  I’m writing this, aren’t I?  I have painted, drawn, written, & crafted more stuff than I ever managed to during the time I was at my previous job.  Granted, that’s still not much considering that job sucked so much out of me that I really never did anything creative when I got home.

But progress is progress, damn it!

Also?  All that’s really left to do is get a business license for all of this.  I’ll be selling my things in no time, I’m setting up goals to make it happen.  There are a lot of cool projects, or at least I think so, & I’ve already gotten some really good feedback on a bunch of it.

I’m living the dream!  I’m a real artist!

Along with all the scary stuff that entails.

You know what else?  I’m going to learn to knit better, or more knitting techniques…or whatever the best way to say that is.

All that to say, I feel incredibly free & glad to be able to devote myself to what I feel passionate about in the hopes that it will reward me monetarily as soon as possible.  Within the next few weeks I’ll be able to share more & more of these exciting things with you, & hopefully you’ll like them.

I really hope you’ll like them.

Otherwise I might have to get another “real” job.

I’ve never been able to get on board with the concept that there’s just one other person out there for everyone.  It didn’t seem logical, I suppose.

Soulmates are a myth.

I think the main thing I always took issue with was the idea that you weren’t complete until you found “your other half.”  It’s insulting to think that you can’t just be happy with yourself, that you need this other being in order to be satisfied.  No wonder everyone has such low self-esteem if they’re thinking they’re somehow inadequate without this mate.

Being lonely doesn’t mean you aren’t whole.

Loneliness I understand, but I think people miss the mark of what loneliness truly is.  Loneliness, I believe, is the desire to share with someone & not having a someone to do so.  It’s not a hole inside you, even if it kind of feels that way.  It’s wanting to be touched, encouraged, & validated by someone who’s worth giving those things to in return.

Why are we so unwilling just to do that for ourselves?

I’ve given myself to the idea that I am my own soulmate.  I am one complete soul, not half of one.  I am not perfect, never was, but I am amazing & worth being loved & told so.  Why would I not love myself?  Why would I choose to pine for another being to do all the things for me that I can do for myself?  That doesn’t mean I won’t get lonely, or ache sometimes for the chance to share my present & future with someone; it means that the wanting won’t be getting confused with needing, & when someone enters my life that could prospectively be there for awhile I’ll be seeing so clearly whether or not they deserve to stay.

No one should blind themselves with wanting.

Allowing yourself to feel like you’re lacking is blinding.  Thinking you need someone else will get you into trouble.  Someone could come along who’s nothing like what you need, with a thousand little red flags you ignore, because they’re giving you what you aren’t giving yourself.  You don’t love yourself though, your luster will fade when you get lost in that person…then what?  You’re worse off than when you were alone & you don’t even know it.

I’ve done it & seen too many others do it.

I have a friend that told me she was giving up.  She gave up on finding someone because she was letting the wrong people pick her.  When I said she just needed someone that actually deserved to stick around, that recognized how amazing she is, she replied that she couldn’t believe that herself.  This is a woman who is incredibly smart (like, she’s an actual two degree holding scientist smart), who is funny, & who is incredibly sexy.  She ends up dating frogs thinking they’ll become princes because she fails to notice warning signs & fails to have the confidence to say “no” when it’s clear these “men” aren’t worth her time.  It’s baffling to me that she doesn’t recognize that such a fantastic person as herself should set her standards higher & settle for nothing less.  I cannot understand how she doesn’t see that she has all she needs contained right within her person & that the only reason for her to be with someone is because she wants to.

Why do we keep settling for frogs when we should only be accepting someone that’s already a prince?

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully put into words how grateful I am for parents that cared for me the way mine did.  They weren’t superhuman, they made mistakes like anyone else.  But one thing they did for me was never let me think that I needed to have anything more than what I’d been born with.  They made sure I knew I got to choose what I wanted, that I didn’t need anyone else to be myself.  This might be partly due to my mother’s pretty strong feminist tendencies, but I’m not going to complain about the source of the confidence they instilled.

I’ll just never be able to accept the soulmate concept.

We have a choice.  My parents made sure I knew I could always choose, they never said things like, “We were meant for each other” or “He/She was ‘the one.’”  They did say things like, “We knew what we were looking for” & “I made a decision to love your father/mother, & some days it’s an easier decision that it was the day before.”  So even when I’ve been my loneliest I’ve known that I wasn’t longing for someone in particular.  I could stand up, do something for me, move forward…

When the time came I knew I’d be able to be as picky as I wanted to be, because when I made the choice to be with someone it was going to be because I wanted that person for having the qualities I was looking for.

I could even choose to be alone, if I wanted to…

It becomes a little bit easier to move on with your life after a break up when you realize you started the journey sooner than you thought, or at least your heart & subconscious did.

In the month & a half or so that I’ve been a me instead of a we there’s been a lot of emotion that’s poured out of me.  Raw feelings that I no longer felt an ability to control.  There was a lot of processing to do, a lot of thinking & analyzing, & a lot of talking.

One day I woke up & I felt great, relieved almost.  I felt like a burden was gone, that some dark cloud that I’d gotten used to hanging over me had passed & the sun had come out in full force.  I felt lighter & blessed by so many different things, if it were a Disney movie I would have burst into song & various woodland creatures would have come to my aid in getting dressed & ready for the day (Okay, so maybe I did burst into song but the woodland creatures never showed up, sadly).

What I realized is that certain events had taken place in my relationship many months before that had begun this separation, we had started moving on already.  I won’t go into detail on what those things were, but I realized that I’d been living in a state where I was perched on the edge of the end without the strength to make the jump.  I was trying to fight it, I knew that either things would change & I would get back the person I had originally fallen in love with or this new stranger & I would call it quits.  My heart started to prepare for the latter & that little voice in my head that told me to go ahead & end things or pointed out red flags, what have you, I ignored.  Well, not so much ignored as tried to reason away, tried to convince that we could work it out.

Maybe we could have, but that’s not worth dwelling on.

I remember the first time I had a boyfriend & we broke up (my only other boyfriend, ever).  I was so so caught up in him, I had lost myself.  So when he said he didn’t want to stay together, not only was I devastated that he was leaving me but I also had a million pieces to put together to discover who I was.  It was such a horrendous experience, & it took a long time because we kept going back & forth for almost another year.  Finally I managed to cut the yo-yo string & go forward by alone, in order to figure out who that “self” was.

What I found was an amazing, beautiful, talented woman & I fell in love with her, truly, for the first time.  I promised her that I would never forget her or leave her behind again, & I haven’t.  I kept that promise & it has been one of the things that has made this time around more bearable.

I know that I am still me, that through everything I have that & it’s enough.

Now that I’m not waiting in dread for the other shoe to drop & the knowledge that I am still that amazing person has given me the kind of perspective & strength I needed to forge ahead.

I’ve been doing great things, & I know I always will.  I want to thank everyone that’s been there & been concerned for me during such a rough time, it most definitely was not easy.  Having the people in my life that I do eased the burden so much & I don’t think I would have been able to see things as clearly without all of you who have so lovingly held up lights along the path for me.  I love each & every one of you dearly.

I’m told it takes 1/3 of the time that you were in a relationship to fully get over it.

This does two things for me: One, it makes me go “That’s forever! I’m never going to stop crying, F#@*!, this is going to hurt until the end of time!”  Two, it makes me think, “Okay, calm down a little bit, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…go ahead & cry, feel the pain, but it will NOT last forever.”

There’s the irrational & rational sides of a breakup.

Everything just fell apart.  Somewhere along the line, he stopped being the person I fell in love with, the person I chose to be with & commit myself to.  That person stopped showing up.  He became so different that he saw me differently.  I may have changed in two & a half years, but not so much, I am still very much the same person I always was.  The things that were incredible about me are still the same things that are incredible about me.  I didn’t want him to leave, I fought it, but at some point I realized I was fighting to bring back a person that doesn’t exist anymore.

My first reaction was none at all.  Sure, I cried…but behind close doors & didn’t really tell anyone.  Denial, angst over trying not to torture myself with thoughts like, “Well, if I prove that I’m still the person he loved he’ll come back.” or “He’ll realize this is a mistake when he sorts his junk out…”  Trying not to focus on the empty seat at my uncle’s wedding reception where the person I had expected to pledge my life to was to have sat & make me feel less anxious than I usually do at weddings (The bigger the wedding, the more claustrophobic I get).

Then, last week, the denial had to end & the floodgates opened & I thought the tears would never stop.  I had bad dreams & worse thoughts upon waking.  Emotion came screaming out of me, I tore things & hit things & I sobbed.

Can someone tell me why everything that comes on TV or the radio during these times is never helpful?

You know what is helpful?

Puppies.

Seriously.  Lola is one of the greatest blessings to me right now, even when she’s being ornery from not being able to get outside & exercise because it’s raining like crazy…

As crushed & destroyed as I have been feeling & as much as it seems as if someone died, I’m glad to have my wits about me.  In that I mean I know I’ll be alright, I know that I am strong enough to get through this.  I still have my ability to see the truth, to keep going forward, however slowly that movement may be.

This post could quickly devolve into something hateful, spiteful, vengeful…I feel all those things.  I am so angry & hurt that the person I wanted got replaced by a stranger who couldn’t or wouldn’t give to me what I had given him all along.  But what all of it boils down to is me missing my best friend…trying to hurt him because I’m hurting won’t bring that friend back & it won’t even really make me feel any better.

I need time, I’ve tried to give myself that.  Time to stay in bed a little longer, to cry, to procrastinate, to grieve…

I’ve been looking for comfort in different things, music, naturally…support from various sources.  I read a timely Marilyn Monroe quote, “Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” which gave me a concept to try & meditate on to stay positive.  And I read up on how pisces deal with breakups (trying to find the best things to foster healing), which gave me some good snippets:

“Sensitive, emotional pisces, you process breakups better than most signs…”

“Although you may appear fragile & broken, you possess an amazing inner resilience.  You’re a tough cookie behind those watery, soulful eyes…You’re a survivor.”

So I might be an emotional wreck right now, but I won’t be forever.  I have been overwhelmed with hugs & support & friends that try not to let me be left alone.  Friends that let me cry when I need to, that put splints on my hand because I messed up my knuckle hitting a wall, that sneak beer into movies with me & let me do their makeup to take pictures (that’s only funny when you know that friend was a guy, he looked very pretty), they have me over to spend the night so I won’t be alone, they offer me their good wine while watching non-romantic movies, & they listen to me talk about my breaking heart.  I have more friends that truly care about me than I ever realized, & people that I didn’t even realize cared enough to be my friends.

If you follow me on here, Twitter, or even Facebook,  I am trying very hard not to be tragic all the time, but bear with me as I pull myself up.  And also a big thank you for all the love that has been poured out to me, the support & the allowance for my current “Debbie Downer” quality, you’re all fantastic.

“everyone’s invincible

but it’s just pretend…

…only tears

know how

to remind us we all break the same”

– Mute Math

I love my hair.

I mean, I really love my hair.

My life has been turned upside down as of late (& I haven’t really had a computer to blog about it, for shame).  I quit my job, today is my last day.  And no, I don’t have a concrete back up plan or another job lined up.  The not-so-concrete plan/idea is to take the time & energy that was dedicated to my demanding, stressful, full-time job & use it to throw myself into what I’m passionate about.  Take the time to really get my business of the ground & to seek out a place to start piercing, etc.  I already feel free & relieved, if not a little “Oh crap, I’m not gonna have a steady paycheck…”  And G & I broke up, which is a whole post in & of itself as it’s the opposite of the job situation in that I feel far from relieved or…whatever, like I said, not ready to lay that all out right now.

Those are the big things that has my life in a topsy-turvy state.  So the other day, I took it for myself.  I let myself embrace the rainy weather & watch trashy TV & pamper myself & cuddle with Lola.  My hair was in desperate need of attention so I got to work.

As long as I can remember, my big thing has always been my hair.  Even the times I have chopped it all off & done something crazy with it, it was important that it be exactly what I wanted & be styled perfectly every day (not saying that many mistake were never made, we all have to come into our own).  When I was a little kid I would throw screaming fits just because my mother tried to take me to have my hair trimmed, I could sit on it it was so long.  That is until the day I brought my mom a magazine & said, “I want to cut my hair like this.”  My mom looked from the picture of the lady with chin-length hair back to me & couldn’t even say anything…& my dad did NOT approve (do dads ever approve of their daughters having short hair?  I don’t think they do).  But my mom took me to have it done, & it stayed that way for awhile.

My hair is thick with big natural curls, so as a little tomboy I would cut it all off just because of how hot it got.  But then I would ache to grow it back out because it’s just. So. Pretty.  I’m not even being conceited on the matter, women wear wigs or pay hundreds of dollars to get hair like mine & it would be crazy not to acknowledge just how awesome my hair is.  I’ve come into my own with my hair by now, I know what I like & what feels most natural & most comfortable to me.

I love my bangs & I love dying my already dark brown color black.

When I started getting so sick all the damn time.  I sort of let my bangs grow out & stopped dying my hair, just because I didn’t have the energy for much of anything, let alone keeping up with my hair.  But ever since recovering from my surgery I’ve been looking at pictures & going “I WANT MY BANGS BACK!”  And as much as I love red hair & always have points where I’m about to run out & bleach my hair to oblivion in order to pour bright orange-red dye onto my head right away…my black hair makes me most recognizable to myself when I look in the mirror.

So on my me day, while Lola looked on curiously, I got back in black & pulled out my scissors to return my locks to my favorite look.

We all have an image of ourselves burned into our brains.  It includes the things we have already accomplished & like & want to keep, & it includes the things we haven’t even done yet (like, say, in my case I always see myself with a lot more tattoos that I haven’t been able to get yet or in the shape I was in when I played soccer).  I happen to enjoy this person, I think she’s hot.  Scratch that, I like myself & I know I’m hot.

Granted, I have my days where I look in the mirror & find about a million things that I’m not into or make me want to stay inside all day.  But for the most part, when I look in the mirror I manage to think to myself, “Hey, you’re really damn pretty, lady!”  And EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO.

My hair is my main security blanket (you’ve got one too, don’t lie), so after finishing it all up I could look at my reflection & say “There you are, nice to see you.”

Everybody go look in the mirror & acknowledge how hot you are, right now, & then try to do that at least once a week.  Be confident in your awesomeness, I know I am.